Confessions of a Stark Employee
by AgentMastermind
Summary: A regular employee of Stark Industries is interview by an Agent of SHIELD. Now what's this about pie?
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is my first story, so any criticism is welcomed. I don't own anything except for the main speaker and Lucille. Bon appétit!

"I was just a simple energy engineer. Before Stark became Iron Man and closed the weapons manufacturing down, I helped in research and development, figuring what the weapons would use as energy. Then he became Iron Man. All the employees were quite safe and we then became a clean energy company and I became head of my department; which meant I had weekly meetings with Miss Potts and sometimes if she dragged him, Tony Stark. In all honesty, I love my job, Stark's a wonderful boss, or really Miss Potts. Then the aliens invaded.

"You'd think there would be a better plan then to get together six individuals to fight hoards of aliens. We were all at work, just a normal day. Then this guy walked through in Medieval armor with people trailing behind. The building explodes and it was chaos around us.

"Then it was all over. Bad guy was defeated by Stark and the merry band. It was weird seeing these people all walking by in tights. I mean they are certainly stronger looking than tights but they really didn't look comfortable.

"Eventually everything went back to normal. Building was rebuilt, some new employees, nothing unusual.

"It didn't last though, the sanity. We had Stark and a Doctor Banner working along beside us. Sometimes blowing things up, o.k. so it was a regular occurrence." The energy sector head shrugged. "Then came the invisible nerf-ers; as us employees call them. There's two of them. They stay in the air vents. All the employees are paranoid of air vents now. They always hit what they are aiming for, doesn't matter if you try to dodge. We're lucky they use foam for bullets and not paintballs or something worse.

"Captain Rogers is a very nice man; he's got wit, very friendly, sociable. Everyone in the energy sector likes him. Lucille bakes him an Apple pie every week; and that's saying something. We don't give up desserts easy, even to Stark.

"Thor. He's quite loud, quick to laugh and forgive. Very nice guy." A loud explosion interrupts the interview and the two turn to see a door open, a black cloud of smoke escaping and voices arguing.  
"STARK! You said it wouldn't explode!"  
"Sorry Birdie, but I did say it had an extreme possibility of exploding, so somebody needs to pay attention to the genius next time!"  
"Guys c'mon! This is important! We've got to get this done or we're doomed!" A blackened Doctor Banner cried.  
"Maybe if we added a bit more?" They were soon back to arguing. How these people managed to save the world time after time was an amazement.

"Can you explain why they are arguing, ma'am?" The man in the suit, otherwise known to the energy sector as The Agent, questioned.

The poor head of the energy sector sighed then replied, "Since Lucille refuses to make a pie for the others and the Captain doesn't share, they've taken it upon themselves to replicate her recipe."


	2. Chapter 2

The small gathering of Avengers went back into the smoke filled room, arguing about the right components of an apple pie. Fans in the ceiling, having been activated by JARVIS, started clearing the smoke for yet another attempt of Bruce, Tony, and Clint's.

Agent Philip J. Coulson, otherwise known as The Agent, then questioned the energy sector head, "Can you explain what exactly is going on?"

"Well, you see Agent it all happened when Lucille meet the Captain. She had grown up listening to stories of him, her great-uncle was a member of the 107th that the Captain rescued on his own. Her whole family looks up to the Captain; so when he actually agreed to meet them it was a glorious moment for their family history. That leads to Lucille baking him a pie each week, to show her gratitude for how he saves the world and people, basically doing his job; also how her family hounds her to make an impression on the Captain.

"He actually didn't want to accept the pies in the beginning, however they just kept showing up at his doorstep and everywhere he went. Eventually he tried one, and well Lucille's pies aren't well known for nothing. They're addictingly good. I have no clue what she does differently (she taught me how to bake one), because they're nothing like how mom makes them."

"Maybe we should recruit her. Have the bad guys surrender just for a slice of pie..." The Agent trailed off, thinking of the possibilities of apple pie.

"She would be happy to help, as long as it's for a good purpose." Another explosion racked the building. The door to the kitchen, or lab as the three Avengers were using it as, swung open and crashed into the wall. Smoke bellowed out, bringing with it the smell of burnt apples.

"Stark! What was that you poured into the pot?" A smoldering Doctor Banner coughed.

Stark looked a bit troubled and flinched some before finally answering, "Just a drop of experimental juice I've been working on."

"Is that why it exploded earlier, Stark?" Baited Clint, who was wiping pieces of crust off of him, some escaping notice like the few in his hair.

"Actually, that explosion was all on you bird." Stark fired back. Normally Stark trying to be menacing, under everyday occurrences was funny; however missing bits of hair, which includes his eyebrows, helped him to accomplish that feat.

Soon enough they were all involved in another argument that would lead to a full out brawl. Then the elevator opened revealing the Captain.

"Afternoon Coulson, Kari. They still hadn't figured it out?" He sat down by the two, placing his package, on the table.

"They have not, and Lucille still refuses to bake them anything after they destroyed her fern." Kari continues to watch the fight, which surprisingly enough didn't bring out the Other Guy in Bruce. Guess he knew this wasn't important.

The Captain grinned and went to what was left of the kitchen for plates and utensils.

"Kari, would you mind cutting it while I get some coffee to go with it? Coulson, do you want coffee?" Captain offered after setting the items in his arms down.

"Milk, if you wouldn't mind."

The three were able to enjoy their slices of pie before the others realized that Lucille's pie was in the same room as them.

"Steve! Buddy, friend, pal! Have I told you how patriotic you look today?"

"Forget it Barton, the pie is mine."

"But they get to eat some!" Stark whined.

"That's because they didn't whine, beg, plead, steal, borrowed without permission, threatened, or try to commandeer my pie."

"Bruce, did you know that Captain America is selfish? I mean this is horrible!" "Stark." "Our Captain has been tarnished! All because of this pie!" "Stark!" "I mean who knows?" "STARK!" "It could have mind controlling capabilities- Barton! What is it? Am I not allowed to finish my thoughts?"

"Tony, they've finished the pie," Bruce sighed.

"What? No. No! NO!"

"That was delicious as always, give my thanks to Lucille, Kari, please. I'll see everyone later." Steve left as quiet as he entered; Stark, Bruce, and Barton stood still, looking depressed. Then Bruce hit both Clint and Tony upside the head and said,

"I told you we should have left that plant alone."

* * *

Author's Note: I hope everyone enjoys this chapter! If it's not too much to ask, could y'all leave a review? I would love any feedback on this story! Thank you all so very much for reading the first chapter, and favoriting, following, and reviewing it!

Thank you!

P.s. I don't anything exceptions Kari and Lucille.


	3. Chapter 3

The story of the fern is truly a peculiar one. It all started one day when Tony needed a test subject, and since Bruce doesn't allow for human or animal testing (something to do with gamma, possibly) they had to find a plant. Even if this is New York, plant nurseries aren't open at one a.m. The only solution would be to "borrow" a plant.

For some reason the only plant available in the whole building belonged to Lucille "Baker" McCullough. Because they knew what would happen when she discovered the plant missing, they decided they would need to pin it on someone else. So back to the common room Bruce and Tony went.

When they reached the chosen floor, they saw their prey throwing darts at a poster of Loki.

"Bruce, I'm telling you, it would be the greatest prank ever!" Stark exclaimed, throwing his arms to emphasize "greatest".

"Tony, I'm starting to think that this might be a very bad idea. What happens if we can't replace it?" Bruce was actually starting to genuinely worry about this.

"Oh come on, Brucie! We'll be fine!" Tony patted Bruce on the back to reassure him. "Birdie!" he called.

"Tony, I'm kind of busy at the moment." Clint then threw the dart at the poster, nailing the pupil of Loki's left eye.

"Not as busy as you will be," Tony muttered conspiratorially. "Ah, yes, Barton, we all know that, but you see I bet Bruce that you couldn't commandeer Lucille's fern for us."

"If I 'commandeer' her fern, I run the risk of not getting any pie. She said she'd bring me one for later today," he commented as he gathered his darts from the wall.

"Nothing's going to happen. We'll put it back as soon as we're done. Besides, you're probably too much of a chicken. You were right, Brucie, the hawk is a chicken hawk. We should have gone with Natashalie." Tony sighed and turned to walk away, gripping Bruce's arm and dragging him along.

"Stark, you got yourself a thief. So, Lucille's fern?" Barton threw a repetition of the darts back at the poster, making a "C" on Loki's face.

"Yep," Stark grinned. Clint nodded and left the two scientists.

"Tony, I really don't think this is a good idea anymore..." Bruce sighed, exasperated, and cleaned his glasses.

"It'll be fine, buddy! Now come! To science!" Stark shouted and led the way back to the lab.

* * *

"Stark, Banner, I got the bush!" Clint burst into the lab with the fern under an arm. "So what's the deal with the shrub?"

"It's part of an experiment that's too advanced for your bird brain. However, you can stick around; it shouldn't take too long to complete." Tony replied nonchalantly. Bruce was steadily muttering about how this was a horrible idea.

"Tony, let's just put the plant back."

Tony didn't even bother looking up from gathering the items needed. "O.k., so this should repair any damage. Barton, come be a bird and destroy it!"

"Stark, be a little more creative with your insults; and I thought it was too difficult for my bird brain to understand?" Clint stayed sitting on the counter, watching the two scientists run about.

"Fine. Bruce!" And before Tony could say more Bruce interrupted with a resounding "no".

Tony, looking a bit surprised, shrugged and went about damaging the poor, helpless fern. The plant's leaves were being torn, ragged edges being left; roots being uprooted, acid being poured on it. Basically, anything that would destroy the poor fern was done to the helpless, little plant.

The three stood back to look at the plant, one looking proud, and the other two looking worried and a bit scared.

"Tony, this had better work, or else we're never going to get pie ever, like never ever again," Bruce starting pacing and cleaning his glasses, while Clint went back to his counter sitting.

"No one trusts me!" Stark threw his hands in the air. With that confession, Stark poured the healing concoction on the plant. Surprisingly; the chemicals worked; the fern's growth was rapid and it was soon back to its former glory. But the plant didn't stop growing; it grew to a size larger than expected for an office fern (which in this case was larger than a microwave).

"Well, that was to be expected, but Brucie! It worked!" Stark began to jump around and shout from happiness.

"To play God, a marvelous idea. Now, if you would please pardon me, I'm feeling a bit peckish." Our three heroes' jaws dropped as they watched the fern walk off on its leaf stems.

"Tony, I know I'm partially nuts; just please tell me I imagined that." Clint dragged his hands over his face.

"I think I'm of mind to agree with Clint. It was only supposed to heal the plant, but it…just…it…I don't even know." Bruce sat on a stool at a counter and dropped his head into his hands. "What a mess we're in now."

"Only one way to find out if we're crazy; let's go hunting, or spying in chicken hawk's case." Stark grabbed his fellow Avengers' arms.

* * *

Well, here's the third chapter. I hope everyone enjoys it!

I don't own anything, except for Lucille, Kari, and the fern.

Please review! And thank you for reading! And thanks to Lily Lindsey-Aubery for beta-ing!


	4. Chapter 4

Black Widow. The name alone is enough to strike fear into any hardened, cruel criminal. Most of the time, she was calm, cool, and collected. She knew some of her teammates could be annoying and obsessive. Normally, she could handle it; but this was not a normal situation. Directly down the hall, straight in front of her, sat a shrub. Strangely, this plant was able to move on its own. She knew this had something to do with Stark. The plant seemed to straighten and try to make its silhouette bigger; trying to make itself seem a bigger threat, perhaps?

'Enough of this!' Natasha thought. The plant seemed to realize this was not a fight he would win. He looked in her eyes and saw his short life flash before his own mind; he saw death in her eyes. This was not a woman to be crossed. So the fern scurried off before serious damage could be done to him.

Natasha shook her head and walked with a greater speed to her room, wanting to avoid confronting the three nitwits that lived in this tower. The aforementioned nitwits were, from what she could tell arguing and possibly having a theme song being played over the speakers.

'Steve will have to deal with this. I am going to bed. If this wakes me, I will mutilate someone,' Natasha thought as she entered her room.

The three aforementioned nitwits were arguing about what to do with the now sentient, evil fern: would it be humane to kill it, or could they return it to its natural state? Clint and Tony were all for killing it with fire, while Bruce (who just wanted to go to bed and pretend this was all a nightmare) wanted to at least try to fix the problem they had started. The serum they used on the fern was unpredictable; it could possibly wear off. The other two wouldn't hear it, saying the fern must go.

"But Lucille's pie! We'll never get another!" argued Bruce.

"I'll just buy her another one; it's just a fern, Brucie." Tony was tired, scared, and ambivalent. Of course he was worried about getting a slice of Lucille's pie. It was addicting. However, this fern. This fern was pure evil. Tony had to admit this was a mistake and it was all his fault. That was why he was creating the Destructinator and wondering to himself why he allowed Clint to name the weapon.

Clint was sitting on the counter, deep in thought. He knew there wasn't a good way out; that this was ending only one way: no more pie. He had to admit this wasn't the worst situation he's been in but it was one of them. He shook his head. How did this happen? How did Tony and Bruce create a sentient plant that was bent on taking over the world?

"Tony, Bruce is right. There's no good way out. We will need to tell Lucy what happened, and that it was your fault."

Tony glared at Clint, then he sighed, "I know Clint. This is one of the few times you are right."

The three look at each other and sighed, and even a rock would have felt the desperation that hung heavy in the air.

"JARVIS," Tony called, "what time is it? And what is the expected arrival of Lucille McCullough?"

"It is now 7:30 in the morning, Sir. Ms. McCullough's expected arrival is at precisely eight o'clock." JARVIS's voice was heavy with sympathy for the three heroes. In all the calculations he processed, there wasn't one that ended with the heroes with the pastry.

"We've got thirty minutes to run this op. This will end successfully and Lucy won't know anything about this. Her fern will be at a nursery. AVENGERS! ASSEMBLE!" Tony shouted.

Bruce and Clint stared at Tony with a very concerned gaze.

Tony pouted, "So Cap can say it, but I can't? Fine. Let's go take care of this fern." Tony strode to the elevator followed by the two others.

Garfunkel was alone. He was the first of his kind and he certainly wasn't going to be the last. He has big plans. Very big plans. He will raise an army of plant-kind and take over the world with him and his kind ruling.

Lucille's pies. They were the key to his success. Already they had an addictive property to them. Besides that, who could turn down pies? All he had to do was add a special ingredient that would make the humans like putty on his leaves. Moldable. Then it would be a simple project to have the world's greatest scientists give all plants the chemical that gave him this intelligence.

What Garfunkel didn't know was that it was too late. The three heroes had surrounded him. Tony at the entrance, Clint in the air ducts, and Bruce at the stairs, with Tony and Clint suited up and Bruce with the Destructinator ready to go.

Tony took a deep breath and said, "Let's do this."

He kicked in the doors and shouted, "Hey Audrey, are you hungry?"


End file.
